In every fantasy, the Mistress is strong. For as different as erotic domination and lifestyle domination can be, they share that the Mistress is strong. And It's not just knowing you are strong, you have to appear strong. That plugs into your submissive's programming. And maybe that is smart programming. If you were going to give control of your life to another person, wouldn't you want that person to be strong?
You might not want to spend your whole life being strong. But it is a good life skill.
As you go through your day, you are sometimes self-centered, sometimes pleasing, and sometimes you take responsibility. The lout is always self-centered, always thinking only of himself and what he wants. Our submissive, when alone, can also be self-centered. When with others, the submissive is naturally pleasing, trying to do what the other person wants. This is what makes them caring, responsible, and likable.
But a good parent is neither self-centered nor pleasing. A good mother will learn what her child wants, but she will not give her child everything he wants. She decides what is best for her child. She takes responsibility.
As a dominant, you cannot be selfish. You will probably turn off the submissive's submission, or worse you might be abusive. You also cannot be pleasing. If you are, you will not plug into your submissive's programming. Your submissive is programmed to submit to a strong person. So to turn on his submission, you have to act strong and you must take responsibility.
That solves that problem. Your next problem is that you cannot take responsibility for another adult. Your sub is intelligent and knows himself and his life much more than you could ever hope. So you cannot take control of much of his life. Not to mention that it would be a terrible bother to try to control everything, and probably would weaken him. To strengthen a person, you encourage him to make decisions for himself and to explore.
Fortunately, there is no contradiction. You must take responsibility for him. But you might decide the best thing is for him to make all of his own decisions. You might want to check that he actually makes good decisions, but you don't have to control his life, you just have to take responsibility.
That solves that problem, and leaves only the problem that he does want to be controlled, and that you not only have to be strong, you have to appear strong.
Learn what he thinks is best. Try to learn what he he thinks is best, then control him to do it. This is perfect unless you are caught, so try to be a little subtle. Or, more honestly and practically, learn what he thinks is best, then take responsibility.
Controlling weaknesses. Most adults have little weaknesses, little gaps between what they should do and what they actually do.You can try to take over one of these weaknesses. Perhaps you can get him to exericse. This is great when it works, but don't think you can push your submissive very far without inciting resignation. You can probably get him to exercise only when he is close himself -- he wants to exercise, and knows it is good for him, but cannot get himself to exercise.
Choosing an area. Choose part of his life to control. Your control will probably not be as effective as his, unless this is an area of weakness. But he will be motivated to communicate.
Safe commands. The next lesson discusses commands that are always safe, such as commanding him to be happy or responsible. You don't need to find out what he wants to give these commands. And some of them, such as not submitting to bad mistresses, he probably has not thought about. These are things that you should take responsibility and can safely take responsibility.
Do it. Ultimately, you must always, always take responsibility. If you know something is the right thing to do, do it. Do not let his desires or yours stop you.
Erotic domination. Again, the rules are turned around for erotic domination. In every fantasy, the Mistress is cruel, which means self-centered. This isn't subtle. She is mean to the point of silly exaggeration. And every submissive imagines that she is doing it because she likes it. If she was just trying to please the submissive, the fantasy would be spoiled. So there is a time for acting self-centered, but make sure it is very obvious it is a game.
If you are just a normal person pretending to be a strong dominant, you might give commands and be bossy every chance you get. That's blustering. It's a stupid thing to do, because commands are usually not the best method of control, and because you really should collect information before exerting control.
And on top of all of that, blustering doesn't even look strong. A strong person exerts dominance at first, and as needed. But she doesn't need to show it all the time. Why command if you can control with a question? A truly strong person is so confident, she can act weak, admit errors, and accept advice. Yes, that looks weak, but the strong person knows she can be strong and dominate whenever she wants, so she has no need to continue showing it. Put in practical terms, what that means is act strong at first, and then as needed.
It can be erotic to show your strength, but again don't bluster. Don't say "I insist you choose a humiliating name." Say, "You may choose any humiliating name you wish."
So be strong, or second choice act like it. Here are some tips for doing both.
1. The dominant has no needs. Some things make you happy and some do not, but you need nothing. This is an idealization, of course, but it is also worth trying to live up to.
2. Information is power. You do not share information on demand, and usually not on request. On the other hand, you are free to toss off tidbits of information in passing. You may explain to the sub the reasons for your actions, if that serves your purposes, but you do not need to. Don't start telling the sub about your day -- that implies a need to be heard, to complain, etc. Ideally, if your knight really is under your control, he will want to know about you.
3. You are supposed to be perfect, so don't volunteer that you made an error if it isn't obvious, and try not to make too many errors. But you are not perfect, so you will make errors, lots of them. If you pretend like you didn't make an error, you look weak. So be factual, you made a mistake, and go on.
4. Do not make any promises or agreements. This is a rule meant to be broken, and you should and could. But let me explain. People get anxious when they don't know what is going to happen, so they fight this anxiety by trying to learn what is going to happen to them. The problem is, that is not true submission. The perfect state of submission is perfect acceptance of whatever happens. Your sub should trust you, your sub should trust that you are caring and careful in your domination, and so he should delight in letting you control his future. He also knows not to do anything stupid, and he has a safety cop that will wake up and take charge if you are not caring or danger occurs. With that in place, he can enter the future blind. Like a child following their parent, not knowing what comes next and not worrying.
Of course, promises and agreements that limit you make you less powerful. And because you are strong, or faking it, you don't have to try to conotrol the future either, you can walk into it strong and confident that you can enjoy it and slay any problems you meet. Your sub can also try to make promises and agreements, but they are irrelevant to you -- the sub obeys you, so you don't need promises or agreements.
You will need to break this rule, for many reasons including that your sub is too anxious and cannot find happiness in perfect acceptance and submission. Just remember the principle.
5. In the same vein, you can and will have plans, but you usually don't publicize them, and you do not have to follow them if you change plans.
6. You are not being the real you, you are being a dominant, which means acting strong. But when the persona doesn't fit, break out of it show the real you, with your real emotions. The most powerful submission is from a man in love, and to be in love with you, he needs to know you. So showing your emotions can be very powerful. Again, only a weak person needs to hide her emotions.
7. As queen bee, you have the right to his services, to serve you and provide for home and family. Do not be sneaky or manipulative. Be very clear about what you want, and get what you want by his desire to please you.
If a submissive offers to obey you, he is a pledger. The pledger tries to lose control with his pledge of obedience. You should hold him to this pledge. If you let him disobey, you appear weak, and everything is ruined for him too, because he wants to be controlled.
When the pledger disobeys. But your pledger will almost surely disobey, and usually fairly quickly. Men want to be excited, and if a command isn't exciting, they usually ignore it. What should you do?
Suppose for a moment that your pledger has really changed his mind and does not want you to be his Mistress. Should you chase after him, or try to convince him to change his mind? Of course not. Whatever you might be feeling, you need to act strong. Do not chase him. If you do, he is in control. Let him go. You can still have a normal relationship with him, people do it all the time. You can still set out your hooks. But if he doesn't want to follow, don't try to lead. You will look weak.
Having said that, when a pledger disobeys, you tell the pledger that either he obeys every command, or you are not his Mistress. That's just reasonable, but it is also a threat, and it is the only real threat you have. There aren't many ways to punish a man who wants to be humiliated and punished. The only real punishment, and a fair punishment for disobedience, is to withdraw your dominance. The man might fold and become obedient. It should become a point of pride with your pledger that he has never disobeyed and is very obedient. Or he might walk, but there was no way to stop that. And why should you? You are being dominant because of his need not yours.
Not ignoring a command. Your submissive should not blindly follow commands. You don't know everything about him, you don't know the situation, you may make a mistake, maybe he won't understand you correctly, whatever. So he must use judgment, not blindly follow commands. This is very important, but you probably don't have to tell him. In my experience, subs are very good at not following commands.
So he doesn't have to follow all commands. The point is, he cannot ignore a command. When he does not follow a command, he must explain to you why he did not follow the command (his excuse). If he is being properly submissive, he will offer to follow the command if you still want him to. But that goes without saying. You judge whether the command should be followed, and you tell him your judgment.
One of the common reasons for giving a command is that it is good for him but he does not want to do it. Maybe he is shy. Your pledger will often come back with an excuse, which will be that he was too shy or something like that. Which means he didn't want to do it. Be kind but firm, and tell him the rules -- that not wanting to do something is not an acceptable excuse.
Hopers. People who want to submit but don't offer to obey are hopers. It's like the difference between jumping in the water and putting your toe in and hoping the water sucks you up. You cannot take as much control of a hoper as you can a pledger. But the two are not that different, because a pledger is not really enthralled either. With both hopers and pledgers, you practice caring domination, you put out your hooks, and you don't lead so far that you aren't followed.