Humilation & Punishment

This lesson is about humiliation and punishment, which works well for erotic domination but is so dangerous for lifestyle domination.

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Many submissives find humiliation erotic. Why? Probably, humiliation weakens self-esteem, and this loss of self-esteem leads to less self-control. So it is erotic to the submissive. In addition to straight humiliation, many common submissive fetishes involve humiliation. These include anything disgusting such as golden showers, being an animal such as a dog or pony, foot worship, wearing a diaper and infantilization, and wearing women's clothes. Even loss of control could be considered humiliating. Just being dominated by a woman can be humiliating if the man thinks he, as a man, should be dominating.

The problem is, you do not want to weaken your man. Not if you care about him, not if you want a strong man, not if you mind him submitting to other Mistresses instead of standing up to them. And not if you want to experience the joy of a strong, positive, submission.

One more problem with humiliation. Submissives somethings snap, which means that they suddenly become angry and maybe even violent. You might think this isn't fair, because he asked to be dominated and humiliated. But, if you don't treat your sub with respect, you have no good reason to complain if he snaps. Men will put up with a lot in a state of foaming submission, but you have to be prepared for when they lose that foaming submission. And that means treating your sub with respect.

So, humiliation is not good, and you should never do it, and it has no place in lifestyle domination. Respect your man at all times, if you want him to respect himself. Never ever do anything to weaken the submissive. You want to strengthen him.

Reality. But the world isn't quite that simple or accommodating. Your sub probably wants erotic domination, and if that includes humiliation, what can you do? There are several tricks for trying to have your cake and eat it too. But all are dangerous. The only safe path is not to offer humiliation, but seem to. These tricks are used only because that you need to make your knight happy and are willing to take the risk. And these just reduce the risk.

Not real humiliation. Some things seem humiliating but really aren't, while other things really are humiliating. The test is this. When he later thinks about what he did, will he be humiliated? If he will, than the humiliation weakens him, in the long run. If he wouldn't, then the humiliation and loss of self-control is probably only temporary.

Replace. The second trick is just to use other things that produce a loss of self-control, such as teasing, flirting, denial, and direct domination. Your sub probably can't tell the difference.

Play. If you are going to do any humiliation at all, it is very important that your sub know that it is for play. You don't really want to humiliate him, he does not really deserve humiliation, and it is not humiliation of the real him. It is just a game.

Typically, the sub is assigned a name by his Mistress. Or the sub chooses a name. There is a lot of meaning in names. One is that there can be a real person with a real name and then a pretend name for playing games. Anyway, if you might be humiliating your knight, even a little, you do not want to be calling him by his real name. Calling him his pretend name helps remind him that it is just a game, that you are not really humiliating him.

Split. In the Split technique, the man is given two names and treated as if he was two different people. One name is the sub's real first name, only it is not capitalized, to signal that he is still submitting. This first personality still submits, but this name is used for serious conversations and lifestyle domination. This first personality is strengthened, not weakened. He receives compliments, respect, forgiveness, anything that makes him stronger. Imagine that this is the real person.

The second personality is the pretend name. It receives erotic domination. If you want to flirt with humiliation, it is done to the second name. Actually, the traditional male names for subs are pretty humiliating.

This helps make clear that anything humiliating is a game. Hopefully, the second personality takes the hit of any humiliation. You still want to minimize humiliation, and you want to strengthen this second personality too. You can still forgive the second personality, reassure him that he deserves to be happy, and things like that, and the real person will probably get the message. For example, suppose the second personality writes "I am not worthy of your kindness." You might reply, "All who serve women are worthy of my kindness."

Redirect. Another trick is trying to change the man's fantasy so that hopefully it still appeals to him but does not have as much humiliation. Suppose your knight dreams of letting a cruel dominatrix pee on him. This can have many different meanings, so you might want to learn what it means to him, but it probably involves humiliation. If a man really did let that happen, he would probably feel guilty and humiliated later when he thought about it. You can tell a fantasy about a man who is so enslaved by his Mistress, that he will do anything for her, even let her pee on him if that was what she wanted. The Mistress in this fantasy doesn't really want to pee on him, of course, but she does admire his devotion and worship. Another harmless fantasy is that he is wrestling with a woman and she accidentally pees on him. He then has no reason to be ashamed.


Punishment can also be erotic. In our society, parents punish children, and owners punish dogs, but adults do not punish each other. So punishment signals a difference in power. And for an adult to meekly accept the punishment and even self-enforce it, that shows tremendous submission.

Lifestyle Submission. Never really punish a submissive. First, they usually feel more guilty than they should anyway. Guilt is a punishment. Usually, you have to encourage a submissive not to feel so guilty.

Second, punishment signals low status, so it lowers self-esteem and self-worth. I mean, if you are being punished like a child or dog, and meekly accept it, how strong can you feel? If there is something that the submissive done that is bad, you may withhold approval, but it is not your place to punish another adult.

Finally, punishment is not kind. If you can rule with a smile, or with a request, why rule with punishment? So punishment just makes you look cruel. The bottom line is, punishment has no place in lifestyle domination.

Erotic Domination. Which still leaves it as an interesting game for erotic domination. Again, the important thing is to be very clear that the punishment is just a game, you are not punishing the real person, you don't want to punish anyone except as a game, and he does not deserve punishment. Your submissive isn't feeling a need for punishment because of guilt, he wants eroticism. And if does feel guilty, punishment is the worst thing for him. Forgive and support.

The choice of punishment is important. Of course, do not choose something humiliating. But also don't waste his time on some stupid activity that benefits no one. The best punishment is forcing him to do something he wants to do, and should do, but doesn't quite have the willpower to do. Another good choice is anything that seems like punishment but is really erotic but not humiliating. That's a tough list of requirements, but chastity probably works. Chores that serve you can also be useful, but only if it is still a game and you are not punishing him to get chores done.

In fantasy, the submissive is usually punished for something that is not bad or not really his fault. Maybe he failed to do something he didn't even know he should do, he failed at a task that no one could perform, he is held responsible for an accident that was not his fault, or he has not been properly submissive. You should probably follow this script. If you punish for real failures or defects, that undermines his confidence and will feel like real punishment. Only play punish for things that he obviously should not be punished for.

Safe Games

If you can't play games with humiliation, what can you do? Bondage is probably safe. A short mild discomfort is probably safe. If you use mild discomfort, like a scratch, pinch, or squeeze, make sure that pain is not your goal. Remember, pain is erotic only because it is a symbol of your dominance. Look him in the eye when you cause mild discomfort and assert your dominance. And be smart and pay attention to what turns him on.

Chastity might also work very well. It probably is embarassing but not humiliating, because he is supposed to be chaste anyway. He is more likely to feel guilt for not being chaste. Chastity is a traditional symbol of power, and in this case, power over something very important to the man. Finally, abstinence makes his desire stronger, which makes his will weaker. So that plugs into his submissive eroticism.

If your mate submits to you, you probably don't need a chastity device, and if he doesn't submit to you, it probably won't work. But it can be a nice game. Modern plastic chastity devices can be worn for extended times, are not too visible, are not uncomfortable, and come with a key.

Freedom from Disapproval

In lifestyle domination, you never punish your sub. They don't need punishment, because they always feel more guilty than they should anyway. For the same reasons, you might never be disapproving. Subs can be very sensitive by personality, and they are especially sensitive when they are in the grips of the initial romantic crush.

If you do show disapproval, it should only be disapproval the submissive could expect. The pledger can expect disapproval for not following commands (although the best response is withdrawing domination). When the Mistress mentions that something would displease her, the submissive can expect disapproval if he does it anyway. If the Mistress mentions something that would please her, the submissive hopefully wants to please her, but he knows he is taking a chance of disapproval if he doesn't do it.

The point is, no one deserves to be blind-sided by unexpected disapproval, especially submissives. If your orders are ambiguous, your submissive should be free to show good judgment without fear of disapproval. Your submissive should be able to say what he wants without fear of disapproval. Certainly he should be polite and respectful, but he shouldn't have to worry about hidden meanings and unexpected implications. He should try to please and protect his Mistress, again without worry of disapproval. He should try to avoid doing things she doesn't like, but again there should be no disapproval if he fails.

This rule applies to all submissives. If you are a caring Mistress, you should not unexpectedly disapprove of any submissive.