When a man offers to obey me, I order him to submit to all good Mistresses, but not to bad Mistresses. Are you one of the good Mistresses he is told to obey? Or one of the bad mistresses he shouldn't submit to?
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Ruling by destruction. If your sub is weak, and if you act strong, he will obey your commands. This is ruling by power. How do you make a man weak? That's easy. Humiliate him. Criticize him. Do not compliment him or tell him anything good. Make him feel guilty. Destroy him.
This is evil domination. When you are done, you will not respect or enjoy what was left of your man. He will need you more; you will want him less. This is not caring domination. And, the weaker a man is, the more he kinks.
Any destruction of a man is evil. You would never do this. There are professional dommes that will though, and your mate might seek them out. You want a man that is strong, a man that you can respect. Why not make your man as strong as you can? You can be the opposite of the evil dominatrix, by complimenting him, supporting him, trying not to criticize him or make him feel guilty.
Ruling by fear. Some women rule by fear. A man will obey you, or try to please you, because he fears the consequences. But his natural (lifestyle) submission turns off. The knight knows that his mistress is supposed to care about him. If you are not a caring mistress, you will turn off your knight's natural submission.
If you rule by fear, you have a slave, not a devoted servant. He will slack off, make excuses, be the normal bad employee. And where's your fun? You want a man who wants to please you.
Ruling incompetently. Not let me talk about you. You are concerned about your mate. But you are more concerned with marshalling the family resources to provide for home and children. You deserve and need his help. That's fair, that's right, that's your genetic programming. So you try to control your knight, any way you can. And you think that's fair, because he should do his share of the work.
That would be a happy story if you were a competent domme. But you are not, because no one taught you. And you make one more mistake. You assume he can take of his own needs. So all of your control is to take care of your needs and the needs of home and family. That is a fatal mistake. From his perspective, you are an uncaring dominatrix. That turns off his natural submission. And then everything unravels. He doesn't want to contribute, so you have to push him more. He doesn't want to please you, so you have to rule by fear and nagging.
And what happens when you turn off your man's submission? He still needs to submit. He once submitted to you, but you turned that off. So he goes elsewhere. Maybe to a professional dominatrix. The professional dominatrix probably will humiliate him. That makes him weaker. But he wants to be weaker, because that makes it easier for him to submit to a bad Mistress. (Remember, he doesn't have any good Mistresses to submit to.) And he kinks, because of his strong desire to lose control and submit. The kinks make him feel guilty, because of that high moral code. And the guilt weakens him.
And so this is what I see. Well-meaning women, appropriately trying to use family resources to care for themselves, home, and family. That means controlling their their mate. But they are incompetent, and they turn off their mate's submission. Then, they aren't happy, they don't get good help, the mate is unhappy, and kinking occurs.
Now let's talk about caring domination. Your mate is programmed to obey a good Mistress. All you have to do is tap into that program. He will be happy. He will want to please you, so he will want to do a good job and you can effectively direct family resources. Will you be happy? With a man who worships and loves you? You decide. So caring domination is effective domination. It is being a good wife, and a good partner.
There are four things you have to do to be an effective, caring Mistress.
Care. You really have to care for him. That means liking him for who he is, not something you want him to be. If he wants to change, that's his decision.
Help him be happy. You have to use your control to help him be happy. Or if he is already good at being happy, you have to support him. You don't have to tell him which channel to watch, but if you know he wants to watch TV and needs encouragement, encourage him to watch TV. Louts don't need encouragement to do what they want; submissives do.
Does that mean your control revolves around making him happy? Absolutely not. You are charged with marshalling the family resources to provide for yourself, home, and family. That doesn't change. Think queen bee. This is why he was programmed to submit. You also have every right to care for yourself. Just don't make the mistake of thinking that he will enjoy himself without your control. Make sure he is happy, and use your control to help him if he is not.
And when your knight is in your thrall, he will be happy to help you. Until he is in your thrall, helping him be happy is a hook. It puts him in your thrall and keeps him in your thrall.
Show him your pleasure. The stereotype of a dominating Mistress is giving orders that are obeyed. When men come to me in foaming submission, they want commands. And commands can be fun in games or scenes. But in real life caring domination, orders are usually not an effective method of control. Instead, you use your devotee's desire to please. You tell him what would please you, and he does the rest. Men come to my site and offer to obey me. It is a game. I give them orders and they follow them. They are excited, but it is a game. But if they stay long enough, and I treat them nicely and care about them, they come to want to please me. That is true submission.
Commands are in your arsenal, and can be useful for very important issues that are for his own good. And as a game.
His reward is seeing your happiness and having your approval. This is what he lives for, this is what he works for, and you should be pleased whenever he tries to please you. Now, show it. Yes, tell him, but give his emotional brain the same message. Smile, look happy, sound happy. A touch or kiss if appropriate. Don't fake it, just remember to show it. No, he won't assume you are happy.
Make him strong. Again, you want a strong mate. You want him to slay dragons, rule kingdoms. You do not want him submitting to bad mistresses. And your programming is being excited by a strong mate.
So you need to support support support him. Compliments, praise. Overlooking errors and mistakes. Do not rule by guilt. I'm not saying to fake it, though a little exaggeration is always appreciated. But I don't think you need to fake it. Your mate probably is a good, caring, responsible man.
And this too is a hook. If you are a support to his self-esteem, he needs you.
Good sex. You were promised four things and this is #5. But it is part of the others. Help him be happy. Accept him for who he is. Don't make him feel guilty for his kinks. It's part of your contract and a very good hook for enslaving him.
Now let's talk dirty. Your mate probably has kinks. And they probably disgust you. You are programmed to want a strong man, so they turn you off. That's natural. But it means you think your man is disgusting. He will feel disgusting, and he will feel guilty.
And that isn't very good for him, is it? So let's think about this. Your mate didn't choose those kinks. No one chooses to have kinks. So he shouldn't feel guilty for having them. It is extraordinarily important that you tell him that. Sincerely, again and again until he believes you.
The rule is, he is not responsible for his fantasies, but he is responsible for his behavior. And perhaps your knight has always behaved nobly. But that is a hard horse to stay on, and he might have fallen off. When it doesn't hurt anyone, submissive sometimes do inappropriate things to satisfy their kinks. As one most gallant, kind, and gentle man said, if you want to sniff a woman's shoes, you can't exactly ask her.
It's up to you whether you forgive. But really forgiving him will make him stronger, and it will enthrall him. And, given his submissive nature, he has already punished himself with guilt. The lout won't feel guilty, but your submissive knight will.
Okay, let's run through this page again. Your mate has kinky desires. He didn't choose them, he wouldn't choose them. You should show absolute unconditional forgiveness and acceptance. Your mate perhaps also has acted out those desires in socially inappropriate ways. It is not easy to act out those desires in socially acceptable ways, except in the privacy of your home, and you weren't there to help. Maybe he should have just ignored those desires, but that's not an easy or happy life. And your socially virtuous sex life was because you didn't have strong kinky desires. And yes, you probably do have more willpower than your mate, but that's in your genes, not something to blame him for.
It is very important to approve of who he is, and a little less important to approve of everything he does. So you probably should not approve your mate's indescretions. Just don't be disapproving. State the facts, that he shouldn't be doing it. Since he is not a lout and really has good intentions and is caring, you should forgive him for his past behaviors. And for his future indiscretions. You fight kinky behavior by making him stronger, and giving him outlets and satisfaction in the privacy of your home. Not with disapproval and guilt, which make him weaker and make things worse.
Unfortunately, kinks usually make your man look weak. Can you look through them? Kinks signal submission, and submission is good. You can be honored that he wants to submit to you. And if he rules kingdoms, or just brings home the paycheck and helps with home and family, maybe you should realize he is a strong man. If he still has a kink, maybe its time to love him as he is.