The first step is always trying to be strong. The more you can act like a dominant, the better things will work. For now, this means making your own decisions and doing what you think is right.

The "Contract"

In the male fantasy, you seize control by power. In reality, you probably should not start acting dominant without any warning or agreement with him. That might confuse him. In any case, without any agreement, he has the standard set of rights. He wants to give up some of those rights to you (so that you can control him).

So the second step in becoming a dominant is to find out what rights he wants to give up. Do not argue for more. That is inappropriate. Do not argue for less -- always accept whatever power he grants you. You do not have to use the power he is giving you, but you never turn it down.

You need to enforce the contract. If he breaks the contract, he one way or another needs to be punished. That might sound horrible, but he needs the contract to mean something, and it doesn't mean anything if he can break it.

There is no problem with changing the contract. It starts out as his first best guesss at what he wants to give up, but he doesn't know what he wants and situations change. But that requires discussion and agreement -- he cannot simply abandon the contract because he wants to or does not have self-control or does not respect you.

Information is Power

Use your new power to find out his fantasies. Knowledge is power.

His Role

In the male fantasy, you are dominant because you are powerful, and he cannot resist you. Again, that is not reality. You have to dance the dance of dominance, and he has to dance the dance of submission. Essentially, his submission encourages your dominance. There is a time and place for enforcing your dominance on a careless submissive, but for the most part he should not be fighting you. (See the webpage for him on encouraging your dominance.)

What Next

  • Ask him to describe himself or herself, as if you don't know him.
  • Find some small area of his life to guide and control

Supppose he hasn't offered to obey you. If he sent you here, he is submissive and wants you to be dominant. Talk with him, or slowly ease your way into your role. For example, you could say something like "Do you want me to control your sex life?