Decreasing Kinks

His kinks probably are not going to disappear. As his queen, you presumably want him to be happy, and that means dealing with his existing kinks. Also, as any ruler would appreciate, his kinks are keys to dominating him.

So you need to decide, which kinks work for you? How can you change the fantasy so that others work for you? Which kinks can you accommodate and which ones will you ignore? Your husband needs to be dominated somehow, but he probably don't need all of his kinks.

And the kinks are a product of his imagination; he doesn't really know what will make him happy. (Email the webmanager at webmanager@cair4.com for some ways of dominating him.)

However, you can reduce his kinks.

Strengthen Him

One of the basic principles of caring domination is making him stronger. You are the lady, and he is the obedient knight. But he can be a strong, clever, obedient knight. In other words, you expect and demand strength from him as part of his service to you. Submissives apparently do not need to be weak, they just need to submit.

You can also remind him of his strengths and that he is a good person. This also increases his positive feelings for you.

Don't Weaken Him

Some fantasies, like being tied up, allow him to be controlled even though he is not weak. Those are "good" fantasies. Other fantasies allow him to be controlled because he is being weakened. Those are "bad" fantasies. The most common is humiliation. Humiliation weakens a man and makes him easier to control. So humiliation is erotic to most submissives. You should avoid humiliation, if you can. If you have to accommodate humiliation, try to avoid actually weakening him. (See Avoiding Humiliation.)


Guilt is also weakening. Try to avoid erotic games involving guilt.

Most submissives feel more guilt than they should -- their desires are not socially acceptable. You can not let him feel guilty for his desires and fantasies, which of course he did not choose.

The Ultimate Control

The ultimate control over a man is not hypnosis, blackmail, tying him up, or any of the male submissive fantasies. The ultimate control is love. If he is in love with you and devoted to you, if he is caught in the submissive/romantic crush, you control him.

You do not autmatically have this control, you have to establish it. We have tried to give you the tools you need. You have to be dominant, but you have to be a caring dominant. When you gain this control, make sure he knows it. When he knows it, he will probably realize that the kinks are pale imitations of this form of control. Again, the kinks might not completely disappear, but they won't be so important.