Subject: Looking for advice and support|
Thank you for your website. I have discovered through contact with a thoroughly kinked sub that I may be truly Domme at heart. Certainly I care for the men I love in the way you recommend, however I have picked men who are too terrified of true connection and I allowed my fears of rejection and loss keep me in relationships past the point of happiness, into misery. As I recover from my marriage and explore my sexual self and power I am very afraid of D/s being a form of unhealthy addiction to sex or sexualizing too much of a regular day to overcome other feelings of fear and anxiety, loss, lack of power.
However that being said imagining a D/s relationship with this man is the most intoxicatingly heady relaxing uplifting notion I have ever had. I literally feel it down my arms as I am typing.
I am worried about his kinks. They are pretty imbedded and although in written words I am comfortable playing I am worried about the source of the kinks and that they should not be reinforced by the woman that loves him since I believe the origination of them came for people who SHOULD have loved him and didn't. They betrayed that loving trust and now it's one giant cluster fuck inside of him aching for repetition rather than release and healing.
However submission is confusing to me. I can see my dominance is in part personality but also in part environmental in nature. My childhood made me as I am. Much of it is permanent and unchanging. I am still trying to understand all of this and not have it be a "bad secret" but a powerful connection. I have been in therapy for years and I am pretty sure this would not be an approved type of relationship. Therefore i can not share it with my therapist. What do I do, where do i go with everything in my head and heart. I feel like a recovering alcoholic looking for another alcoholic to talk to. I am Domme but am scared.
I am interested in knowing more. TJ's long list of posts listed some other sites I will go to but I will greatly appreciate any help I can get.
| RE: Looking for advice and support|
I was really fascintated with your post. You are describing the emotional and physical feelings as a Domme that I feel as a submissive.
For about two years I was in a relationship with a wonderful woman. She was the only person I have ever told about my submissiveness. I always wondered if I was being submissive for the wrong reason, like it was some perverse thing. But when I was with her, I realised that being submissive made me fly. She figured out how to control me and use that to both of our advantages. Sometimes we would debate our differences, but she would have the final say. I learned to trust her. She rewarded me mentally, emotionally, and physically. We eventually parted because of academic endeavors.
I am not sure why I am submissive. I am just that way. It's a scary feeling at first, until you can find someone you can trust.
| RE: Looking for advice and support|
Thank you for responding. I am still concerned about the source of it all and the health of it all. I understand it made you feel better to have a dominant woman in your life having the final say so.
I don't mean that D/s is perverse or shaming in terms of "its just not right" like pedophilia or something. I mean, if the source of our comfort with being either Domme or sub is from a child hood wounding in conjunction with out inherent personality, then is the D/s relationship sort of allowing the wound to maintain, not heal.
Women who use their sexuality for power usuallly were made to feel TOTALLY powerless in their early years. That feeling is so awful, heinous, confusing, depressing, overwhelming, it is sublimated and never truly experienced in conjunction with their memories of a moment in time. Instead they learn that they CAN be powerful in the sexual arena and in turn feel safe and better. Remove their power as a sexual being and feeling powerful is hard, almost impossible. However, learning to acknowledge how powerless they feel without the sexual power and then addressing that (through change in behavior and making better choices in other arena's of life) MAY heal it all. But the sexaul power trip is so much fun and heady that the original wounding is ignored.
If by being Domme I feel powerful because someone else is giving me the power because I am using his sexual proclivities to win him, remove my sexual power and am I truly powerful? Wanted? Cared for, for myself? When I answer that I think well, no I not powerful in the rest of my life as much as I might like, but yes I am wanted, it was my mind doing the Dominating, and yes I am cared about for who I am. But there is no harm being done.
Then I ask but is this truly healthy and what inside of me am I not taking care of because of it all. Am I anxious it is wrong because it is basically a secretive sort of lifestyle and secrets are unhealthy and shaming. Or am I anxious it is wrong because it feels so intoxicating? Am I anxious because it's source is the initial wounding and the wounding makes me feel ashamed but this solution may help me cope with it and yet I am still ashamed of the damage done long ago? Am I anxious it is wrong because a subs kinks seem so obviously from abuse of some sort and I do not believe in abusing anyone?
The list goes on. I am looking for more feed back from those of us with these feelings since if you don't have them you can't relate.
| RE: Looking for advice and support|
Oh, my dear sister. I understand what you are going through. When I first discovered my husband's (then boyfriend's) submissive fantasies, I wondered if one or both of us was mentally sick and/or hopelessly perverted.
We have been happily married for five years now and I can tell you that the theory and principles laid out on this website are truthful and effective.
If you are truly a dominant woman as you certainly seem to be, then you will never be happy in a traditional kind of marriage where the man is supposed to be the leader. You WILL be happy in a marriage where you can be your dominant true self and your man can nurture, support and serve you as his Queen or Goddess.
What they teach here is true: a man's desire for extreme forms of dominance do indeed melt away when he is allowed to express his deep desire to worship and serve his woman. That's exactly what happened to my husband. He is happy to be out of the grip of his former obsession with kinks and fetishes.
He still has them, of course, but now that we can talk and joke about them, his need to express them in an extreme way is all but gone. The fact that I love and totally accept him just the way he is has healed him.
To help another person heal at a deep soul level like that is what real love is all about. And he has healed me as well. I no longer have to wonder if I'm some kind of freak because I like to be in control. That's just who I am.
And now I live every day with a man who loves ME and accepts ME totally as I am. I can be my best self: a kind, compassionate and benevolent Goddess who has his best interests at heart.
It's good to be the Goddess! You don't need to drag yourself into anything you don't want to do. And you don't have to cater to his darkest fantasies either.
It's been pretty well researched that submissive desires do not necessarily stem from childhood abuse, but most people continue to believe that they do. Your anxiety about this is perfectly understandable.
There are many good resources on the links page of this site (including my book, Venus On Top). Also there are directories of "kink-friendly" therapists on several sites.
You may or may not need therapy. Don't forget that you live in a society that still condemns anything that falls outside of the average and the mediocre, especially anything sexual. There's nothing wrong with you. You just need to uncover and accept your true self--a strong and powerful women who enjoys "being on top."
I feel powerful because someone else is giving me the power because I am using his sexual proclivities to win him, remove my sexual power and am I truly powerful?
Another one of those interesting paradoxes of power. You cannot really dominate anyone who doesn't consent to it in the first place. It's not unlike ballroom dancing: if she won't willingly follow, he CAN'T lead.
It's a game and a fantasy that is sexually exciting for both the Domme and the sub. You can play this sexual game and enjoy it immensely. Just don't mistake it for real life.
Take a look at my website www.venusontop.com -- I believe it will help you.
Blessings from a sister Goddess,
Barbara Wright Abernathy
Author of Venus On Top: Women Who Are Born To Lead And The Men Who Love Them