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TJ
Guest
4/21/2003
17:11:27
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 Subject: TJ's story, part 1
IP: Logged
Background & History
My wife & I have been happily married almost 18 years. We have two boys. My family is deeply religious & we are active in our church (from time to time we abstain from sex for reasons of religious observance; knowing this will clarify parts of the story). Ours is a statistically average, middle class American family.
I don’t think I have ever been The Selfish Lout when it comes to sex. Apart from the rare “quickie,” I’ve tried to be considerate of my wife & her feelings & needs. Nevertheless, about three years ago, I decided that I really wanted to focus on pleasing her. Since I knew I was going to cum anyway, I figured that the extra attention lavished on my wife would only make me golden in her eyes. So I slowed down our lovemaking & began spending lots of time in foreplay, talking to her, using my hands & mouth anywhere & any way I could, learning to continue intercourse in spite of my own orgasm, etc. I even did research on the Internet. Well, it worked, & I was golden in her eyes.
In retrospect, it may be that I was really trying to do was to elicit a little more attention from my wife than I had been getting up to that point. Maybe I was thinking, if I were better to her, she might be better to me...
You see, she almost never initiates sex, & I really wish she would. To be sure, if I ask for it, nine times out of ten I’ll get it, no problem, so it isn’t like she doesn’t enjoy it. But she doesn’t ask for it herself. She says she just never thinks of it, & I believe her. (The only time I can remember her initiating sex in the last, oh, several years, occurred last fall. She woke up from a dream – & what a dream it must’ve been! – & was the horniest I’ve ever known her. She woke me up & was all over me like an animal. Used me, in fact. I, of course, was ecstatic but also so taken aback that all I could do was lie there, enjoy it ... & giggle.)
Recently, when I asked her why she didn’t initiate sex, she said she liked to be asked because it made her feel wanted. I can understand this. Still, how does a man feel if his wife never asks *him* for sex? Does he feel wanted?
Also, for better or worse, she doesn’t talk much during sex. And I confess I get a little tired of having to ask constantly if what I’m doing feels good, if it’s what she wants right now, if I need to go faster, slower, harder, softer, deeper, shallower, etc. In fact, now & again I resent it. It’s not like I’ve never asked her to tell me what she wants. I’ve pleaded time & again, & what I usually get for an answer is, “oh, what you’re doing is fine.” And then I start feeling like I’m questioning her in order to prop up my own self-esteem: “So, baby, was it good for you?” Ugh.
I know she doesn’t always cum when we have sex, though I’d like to insure that she does. She says it’s not important that she cum every time, that she enjoys just being with me, & I believe her. Still, it bothers me on at least two counts. First, I guess it’s a guy thing to want to be able to make his woman cum, & I do want to make her cum – the oftener the better. Second, her orgasms seem to be very subtle affairs & I honestly can’t tell whether she’s had one or not. As a result, intercourse usually means that I keep pumping well beyond my own orgasm until I collapse from exhaustion or my arms fall off, & I *still* don’t know if I’ve satisfied her or not.
Also, part of my focus-on-pleasing-her strategy sort of backfired. Since I was so eagerly pleasing her, she sort of ... got out of the habit of pleasing me in return. And I miss all the things every man misses: having his wife kiss him (I do almost all the kissing), suck on his nipples (I know mine don’t, er, “stand up” to hers, but they are sensitive & like attention), fondle his cock & his balls (without being asked or having her hand put there by me), that sort of stuff. Sure, I get off, but unless I ask for some other type of pleasure explicitly, I don’t get it. And a man gets tired of having to ask for that sort of thing. (Oh, in case you’re wondering, I haven’t had oral sex since before our last kid was born, over 9 years ago. The last time we talked about it, which has been a while, she said she was afraid I would go off in her mouth.)
I think I must’ve been getting a little frustrated with our sex life (my God, as I write this, I’m wondering how much denial I’ve been in!) , because several months ago I began surfing the ‘Net for “sexual content.” I started out looking for ways to improve our sex life & found instructional sites with helpful, informative articles, like What Women Want, Spicing Up Your Sex Life, Ultimate Oral Sex for Her, Top Ten Women’s Fantasies, Sexual Positions Women Enjoy.
But part of me wasn’t satisfied. I started looking at kinkier stuff: femdom sites, BDSM, CBT, CFNM. Sure, some of it was wildly erotic & fascinating (a lot of it was breathtakingly neurotic or narcissistic), but when I thought about it, most of it actually left me cold. Raw power exchange doesn’t move me. Humiliation is certainly erotic, at least on the page; in real life, I’m not so sure. Pain? I don’t deal well with pain. Moreover, my wife would never go for any of it, & I wasn’t sure I even wanted to bring it up.
It finally dawned on me what was appealing in this kind of erotica was the fact that all the men were getting a lot of *attention.* Even if it was degrading, humiliating, painful, neurotic attention, it was attention. It was sexual attention. I wanted that attention. And I wanted it from my wife.
About the same time, & maybe partly as a result of looking at this Internet material, I began to realize that I have a submissive streak in me. I have already said that for three years I’ve been actively focused on pleasing my wife sexually. I began to realize just how happy this made me feel. I really get pleasure from giving her pleasure.
So, now I was in a quandary. I wanted two things that I wasn’t sure went together really well: I had this submissive side that wanted to give my wife even more sexual attention, & at the same time, I wanted all kinds of sexual attention for myself.
Recently, I came across Internet sites dealing with cock teasing & orgasm denial (T&D). Although the denial part didn’t appeal to me, the teasing part did. I guess it fulfilled a fantasy about receiving hours & hours of sexual attention, all culminating in a mind-blowing, cosmic orgasm. (What’s not to like?) Still, a question remained: was it possible to move this fantasy to reality? How could I get my wife to play along?
About this time, I found a T&D forum that had a link to this site. And reading this site has changed everything...
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