School of Caring Domination [ return ]

Subject: TJ's story, part 1
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Background & History

My wife & I have been happily married almost 18 years. We have two boys. My family is deeply religious & we are active in our church (from time to time we abstain from sex for reasons of religious observance; knowing this will clarify parts of the story). Ours is a statistically average, middle class American family.

I donít think I have ever been The Selfish Lout when it comes to sex. Apart from the rare ďquickie,Ē Iíve tried to be considerate of my wife & her feelings & needs. Nevertheless, about three years ago, I decided that I really wanted to focus on pleasing her. Since I knew I was going to cum anyway, I figured that the extra attention lavished on my wife would only make me golden in her eyes. So I slowed down our lovemaking & began spending lots of time in foreplay, talking to her, using my hands & mouth anywhere & any way I could, learning to continue intercourse in spite of my own orgasm, etc. I even did research on the Internet. Well, it worked, & I was golden in her eyes.

In retrospect, it may be that I was really trying to do was to elicit a little more attention from my wife than I had been getting up to that point. Maybe I was thinking, if I were better to her, she might be better to me...

You see, she almost never initiates sex, & I really wish she would. To be sure, if I ask for it, nine times out of ten Iíll get it, no problem, so it isnít like she doesnít enjoy it. But she doesnít ask for it herself. She says she just never thinks of it, & I believe her. (The only time I can remember her initiating sex in the last, oh, several years, occurred last fall. She woke up from a dream Ė & what a dream it mustíve been! Ė & was the horniest Iíve ever known her. She woke me up & was all over me like an animal. Used me, in fact. I, of course, was ecstatic but also so taken aback that all I could do was lie there, enjoy it ... & giggle.)

Recently, when I asked her why she didnít initiate sex, she said she liked to be asked because it made her feel wanted. I can understand this. Still, how does a man feel if his wife never asks *him* for sex? Does he feel wanted?

Also, for better or worse, she doesnít talk much during sex. And I confess I get a little tired of having to ask constantly if what Iím doing feels good, if itís what she wants right now, if I need to go faster, slower, harder, softer, deeper, shallower, etc. In fact, now & again I resent it. Itís not like Iíve never asked her to tell me what she wants. Iíve pleaded time & again, & what I usually get for an answer is, ďoh, what youíre doing is fine.Ē And then I start feeling like Iím questioning her in order to prop up my own self-esteem: ďSo, baby, was it good for you?Ē Ugh.

I know she doesnít always cum when we have sex, though Iíd like to insure that she does. She says itís not important that she cum every time, that she enjoys just being with me, & I believe her. Still, it bothers me on at least two counts. First, I guess itís a guy thing to want to be able to make his woman cum, & I do want to make her cum Ė the oftener the better. Second, her orgasms seem to be very subtle affairs & I honestly canít tell whether sheís had one or not. As a result, intercourse usually means that I keep pumping well beyond my own orgasm until I collapse from exhaustion or my arms fall off, & I *still* donít know if Iíve satisfied her or not.

Also, part of my focus-on-pleasing-her strategy sort of backfired. Since I was so eagerly pleasing her, she sort of ... got out of the habit of pleasing me in return. And I miss all the things every man misses: having his wife kiss him (I do almost all the kissing), suck on his nipples (I know mine donít, er, ďstand upĒ to hers, but they are sensitive & like attention), fondle his cock & his balls (without being asked or having her hand put there by me), that sort of stuff. Sure, I get off, but unless I ask for some other type of pleasure explicitly, I donít get it. And a man gets tired of having to ask for that sort of thing. (Oh, in case youíre wondering, I havenít had oral sex since before our last kid was born, over 9 years ago. The last time we talked about it, which has been a while, she said she was afraid I would go off in her mouth.)

I think I mustíve been getting a little frustrated with our sex life (my God, as I write this, Iím wondering how much denial Iíve been in!) , because several months ago I began surfing the ĎNet for ďsexual content.Ē I started out looking for ways to improve our sex life & found instructional sites with helpful, informative articles, like What Women Want, Spicing Up Your Sex Life, Ultimate Oral Sex for Her, Top Ten Womenís Fantasies, Sexual Positions Women Enjoy.

But part of me wasnít satisfied. I started looking at kinkier stuff: femdom sites, BDSM, CBT, CFNM. Sure, some of it was wildly erotic & fascinating (a lot of it was breathtakingly neurotic or narcissistic), but when I thought about it, most of it actually left me cold. Raw power exchange doesnít move me. Humiliation is certainly erotic, at least on the page; in real life, Iím not so sure. Pain? I donít deal well with pain. Moreover, my wife would never go for any of it, & I wasnít sure I even wanted to bring it up.

It finally dawned on me what was appealing in this kind of erotica was the fact that all the men were getting a lot of *attention.* Even if it was degrading, humiliating, painful, neurotic attention, it was attention. It was sexual attention. I wanted that attention. And I wanted it from my wife.

About the same time, & maybe partly as a result of looking at this Internet material, I began to realize that I have a submissive streak in me. I have already said that for three years Iíve been actively focused on pleasing my wife sexually. I began to realize just how happy this made me feel. I really get pleasure from giving her pleasure.

So, now I was in a quandary. I wanted two things that I wasnít sure went together really well: I had this submissive side that wanted to give my wife even more sexual attention, & at the same time, I wanted all kinds of sexual attention for myself.

Recently, I came across Internet sites dealing with cock teasing & orgasm denial (T&D). Although the denial part didnít appeal to me, the teasing part did. I guess it fulfilled a fantasy about receiving hours & hours of sexual attention, all culminating in a mind-blowing, cosmic orgasm. (Whatís not to like?) Still, a question remained: was it possible to move this fantasy to reality? How could I get my wife to play along?

About this time, I found a T&D forum that had a link to this site. And reading this site has changed everything...

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