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TJ
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7/01/2003
11:48:13
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 Subject: TJ's Story, part 7
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TJ’s story, part 7
The next night, the night after our “milestone,” I again tried to tell my wife what the previous evening had meant to me. Still, I couldn’t find the words to express what I felt. I pointed out how much I was moved by the fact that she had called me her “boy,” that I had kept my word (and my hands off myself). I told her that I really wanted to mean what I said: I wanted to belong to her, to be used for her pleasure, to give myself to her completely. The thought of that kind of submission excites me & scares me all at the same time, but the fear is also exciting, & it is a tribute to the trust & faith I have in her. I asked her if she liked hearing me say these things, & she said she did & that she loved me.
She asked for another whole body massage. I hadn’t had time to study the massage books I bought the day before, but I did the best job I could for her.
Afterwards, she asked me if I’d like to have a different sensation tonight, the feel of my cock inside her. I confessed I wanted that a lot. She said she did, too, & had missed it herself over the last three days that she had been teasing me & frustrating me. I asked how she wanted it. She wanted to be on top, as she usually does. So she got on top, took my cock & put it inside her & began riding it to please herself. I love it when she does that, & I encouraged her to ride it, to ride her cock, her toy, to use it for her pleasure. (I like to feel used in this way.) She controlled the depth of the penetration & the speed of the motion.
She started out very slowly, riding the whole length of my cock in & out of her, then slowly began to speed up and to shorten the strokes. Once she got going, I raised my hips up off the bed (it makes a better angle of penetration for her) & grabbed her by the hips & began thrusting her hard and fast. I asked her if I should pump her until she told me to stop, but she said, “pump until you cum,” which I did. It was a great orgasm.
Afterward, I told her that the most frustrating thing about the previous night was lying in bed next to her, unable to touch her and unable to touch myself. She thought this was funny.
A couple of days later, we were invited to a high school graduation party. At the party, I stayed near my wife the whole time we were there. I asked her a couple of times if she needed anything, & she said no. Later, I asked if she wanted her drink refilled & a little flash of recognition came across her face; this time she said yes. I was able to fetch coffee & dessert for her, too. Each time I asked, she got a twinkle in her eye & that little smile played across her lips: she knew what I was doing, I was serving her, right there in public, & nobody knew about it but the two of us.
We got home from the party about mid-afternoon. I had thought of washing my car, but once you’re the boy of a Goddess, you always have to wash her car first. So I asked her if she wanted her car washed. She hesitated for just an instant, then realized that I wanted to submit to her, & with a smile, told me she did. So I hand washed & dried both our cars (& I can tell you that it is possible to get a hard-on just washing your wife’s car), then watered all the flowerbeds & the garden.
The next day, our schedules did not coincide & we were working different shifts. I was home alone for a lot of hours, & as I have said in an earlier part of my story, time on my hands usually meant hands on myself. But I had made a promise to my Goddess three days ago that I wouldn’t play with her toy, but that would touch it only to bathe & pee. This has turned out to be remarkably difficult. Old habits die hard (pun intended?), & because I could not localize my feelings by touching my cock, I had a sort-of generalized anxiety most of the day. Once my wife got home, I found a lot of pleasure in touching, hugging & kissing her. Being able to touch her seemed to take the edge off my distress.
That night she was tired & wanted nothing to do with me. I explained to her, as I had once earlier in the day, that keeping my promise to her has been really hard & that the only way I’ve been able to do it is because I love her. I really, really do mean it when I say my cock belongs to her & is for her pleasure, not mine. (Still, I’ve used it for my own pleasure all my life, so this gift is a Really Big Deal.) I told her all of this not to arouse her pity for my suffering, or as a back-handed way of asking for some kind of stimulation, but simply to let her know what I was feeling. She appreciated that & told me “good-night.”
While I lay in bed, unable to fall asleep because my erection was pressing hard against the mattress, I thought of something that is worth mentioning, by way of a
RED FLAG. If men give up masturbation, whether to the point of ejaculation or not, they should be especially aware of swings in their moods & possible changes in their behavior. They should also explicitly tell their women to watch for changes in their men’s moods or behavior. The reason is this: many men suffer from depression & don’t know it. The reason they don’t know it is because they hide it by comforting themselves or “medicating” themselves with something that makes them feel good or forget their pain, such as drugs, booze, sex, hours upon hours of ESPN, lots of “computer work,” workaholism, or masturbation. Consider these lines from Terrence Real’s book, I Don’t Want To Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, pp. 59-60:
The turning to any substance, person or action to regulate one’s self-esteem can be called an addictive process. In this framework, the terms “addiction,” “narcissistic disorder,” and “the defenses in covert depression” are all synonyms. When a covertly depressed man’s connection to the object of his addiction is undisturbed, he feels good about himself. But when connection to that object is disrupted – when the cocaine runs out, the credit cards reach their limit, the affair ends [he quits masturbating] – his sense of self-worth plummets, and his hidden depression begins to unfold. Such “withdrawal” drives him back to the drug, the achievements at work, or the next sexual conquest.
Almost anything can be used defensively in covert depression to enhance self-esteem. The covertly depressed man may try to right his floundering sense of self-worth by chemically altering his moods. He may bolster failing esteem by garnering it from others in his profession or in his romantic attachments. He may turn to a variety of compulsive activities, like sex [masturbation?], gambling, spending or even something as benign as exercise.
The difference between the normal and the addictive use of these substances or activities is the difference between enhancing an already adequate sense of self-esteem and desperately propping up an inadequate one....
Nondepressed men turn to mood-altering behaviors like drinking, gambling, or sex for relaxation, intimate sharing, or fun. Covertly depressed men turn to such substances or activities to gain relief from distress. [End quote]
Be careful, friends. If you give up control of your orgasm to your woman or quit masturbating to please her, please watch out for feelings of generalized anxiety or mental/emotional distress. You may discover you’re suffering from covert depression. If this is the case, you would probably do well to go back to your woman and re-negotiate how & when you get sexual release. This is in keeping with the statement on SCD website (“Dominating Men” subpage): “Finally, you can be kind. You can try giving him permission to masturbate, if that makes him happy. You can find a rate of sexual release that works for him.” You also need to deal adequately with any underlying depression or other emotional issue. Personally, I can see nothing but harm in trying to introduce a D/s lifestyle into a relationship burdened with emotional problems.
‘Nuff said.
For myself, I honestly don't know if I've used masturbation as a method of self-medication or not, but I'm going to be especially careful to watch out for signs that I might have been.
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Cynthia
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7/02/2003
01:21:08
| RE: TJ's Story, part 7
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I think you hit a bump in the road and need to communicate.
I worry a little that you forced your wife to be in charge of when you ejaculate. Anyway, you are now discovering that isn't quite as easy as it looks. She doesn't know enough to make good decisions. Talk to her and see what she wants to do.
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DanW
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7/07/2003
12:34:26
| RE: TJ's Story, part 7
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TJ,
You need to find a happy medium with regard to sexual release. I think of this as "titration to effect" - to maintain yourself in this erotic limbo of arousal, by managing the amounts of teasing and release. Ceding total control to your wife may be appealing but she is perhaps not yet prepared to monitor your condition to the degree necessary. She will need to become familiar with signs of your need and you will need to become better at communicating same, to optimize your focus and attentiveness to her.
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TJ
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7/08/2003
13:05:11
| RE: TJ's Story, part 7
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Thank you, Miss Cynthia & DanW, for taking the time to read my little accounts & for offering what amounts to the same suggestion: communicate, communicate, communicate. Sure, we're new at this & there will be bumps, but so far they're small & manageable bumps. We're also both learning how to relate to each other in a new way, a way that requires new skills & sensitivities. I'm confident that we will make it. Looking back over my accounts of the past three months makes me realize just how far we've progressed in so short a time. It really is a fantastic journey.
DanW, I am comfortable at this point in our relationship to allow my wife to have total control over my release. Although she doesn't always read me well, I do try to be as open to her as I can so that she knows my condition. Whether she chooses to act on that information or not is, of course, up to her... but thankfully, I'm not so much a slave to my hormones that I can't submit to her desires, & she is compassionate enough that I won't suffer much or long when she says "no." Moreover, the "generalized anxiety" I was feeling -- & which concerned me a lot -- lasted only a few days & seems to be gone now; I'm much more comfortable with with the "hands off her toy" policy & don't find it as difficult as I thought I would.
By the way, it's been a very long time since I titrated anything. I think it was when I was cramming two years of general chemistry into one summer way back when. At any rate, an apt metaphor. (Haven't htought about phenolthalene in years...)
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DanW
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7/08/2003
14:51:53
| RE: TJ's Story, part 7
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TJ,
Your journaling of your thoughts and feeling provides a nice record of your experience for others to see. I recognize many of the feeling and sensations myself and wish I'd had the forethought to journal things, even if just for myself. Your generalized anxiety may have been your subconscious mind responding to the loss of pleasure from solo play though replacing it with increased hugging and affectionate behavior with your wife probably serves as a good substitute. Enjoy the ride!
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TJ
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7/08/2003
15:03:35
| RE: TJ's Story, part 7
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Dan W,
Thank you again for your comments. I've always been lousy at journaling anything; this is the first thing I ever have, & I think what made it easier was that I simply had to tell *somebody* about what was going on with me & put it into words somewhere.
With regards to your observation that my generalized anxiety may have been off-set by increased affectionate behavior towards my wife, I've thought about this myself & think you're right. Actually, my affectionate behavior towards my wife has become rather forward & aggressive since I gave up touching myself, as I mention in Part 8. Probably related.
BTW, do I assume that you are the same Dan W who posts on the wifeworship forum & that you came here via the message I posted on that forum about M. Cynthia's site?
TJ
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DanW
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7/08/2003
15:13:03
| RE: TJ's Story, part 7
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The same.
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