TJ
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6/07/2003
15:24:03
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 Subject: TJ's story, part 4
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TJ’s story, part 4.
It has been over six weeks since I last posted an installment to my story. For that, I suppose I owe an apology to any who may have cared to read all of this. So, forgive me, if I’ve left anyone hanging.
So much has happened it’ll be impossible to tell in the same kind of detail as I put into parts 1-3, so let me be more thematic in my approach.
In the first place, after a week of pent-up sexual energy, my wife woke me up by coming on to me, & we fell on each other like wolves. That was the beginning of a real turn-around in our sex life. Ha! More like an explosion. Before, we had been having sex maybe 2-3 times a month. Since then, we have had sex *at least* that many times a week. We’ve had sex five out of the last six days. On two occasions we’ve had sex twice in one day, & once she asked for more right after we finished & I was happy (& able, mind you) to oblige her. While I sometimes initiate sex outright – & occasionally beg for it with whimpering “need”–, more often than not, I simply remind my wife that I am there to please & she takes me up on the offer when it’s convenient, or she doesn’t. I’ve reminded her that I really, really do like being frustrated, & that since my cock belongs to her, she’s not obligated to have sex to please me just because I’m horny, but she’s been very generous in her attention. She seems genuinely more interested in sex these days & I think she’s even cumming more often. We are not getting nearly as much reading done as we used to, but neither of us is missing our books.
Since I’ve given up masturbation – at least to the point of orgasm, though I still can’t keep my hands off myself completely – I’ve asked a couple of times if she would mind jerking me off, since I do miss the feel of a hand-job. She didn’t hesitate to jerk me off. The first time, I asked if she would tie me down to the bed spread-eagle when she did it, & she didn’t have a problem with that either. I appreciated being tied down, not only because it fed my submissiveness, but also because the straps gave me something to pull on & strain against while she worked her magic. She can rub me in just such a way to where I can’t breathe & every muscle goes tight with the intensity of the stimulation. Having straps to hold on to at those times made it a lot better, & I told her so. She later said that tying me down didn’t do anything for her, but since I seemed to like it, she did it.
She has taken to the title of “goddess,” quite on her own, I might add. I had said once or twice that if she kept going the way she was, she was going to graduate from Lady to Queen to Goddess. Maybe she thinks she has. I don’t know. Nevertheless, she started referring to herself as “goddess,” & I’ve tried to treat her like one, even to the point of “worship.” She has no problem whatsoever with my “idolatry.”
The best instance of “goddess worship” that we’ve engaged in came about this way. One night she was complaining about some sorry lotion she’d bought that wasn’t doing a thing for her skin. Being the observant & attentive Knight that I am, I took note of this, & the next day I went down to Victoria’s Secret & bought a bottle of Dream Angels lotion that I’d heard about. She was *very* pleased with me, & with the lotion. A few days later, I asked if I could serve her sexually & she agreed. The first thing she asked for was a whole body massage with the new lotion. I’ve rarely spent a better twenty minutes. We went on to Better Things in time, but the rest of the foreplay was very long & slow & sensuous. A very worshipful experience for both of us. I think we can both get into this. (By the way, what the scent of Dream Angels does to me now...)
How this website has fit into the scheme of things. A lot of the things I have been telling my wife I’ve lifted directly from this website. At one point, we had another of those very difficult conversations where I just out & told her that I felt I was submissive & that I wanted her dominance. I didn’t know – & I still don’t know – just how submissive I really am; that’s something I want to explore, & she was open to exploring it. That meant, of course, she would have to explore domination. I offered her a printout of this website to read as a gentle introduction to the whole business & as a good framework in which to understand things. She read it & liked what it said. Admittedly, what she read was what I had been telling her, so there wasn’t too much in it that was new. Still, Caring Domination is the foundation for the way we want to explore this D/s business, & I’m grateful that I found the website. I don’t know if anything else I’ve ever read has come closer to saying what she needed to hear.
Also, the part about the Submissive Crush is absolutely on the money. I don’t know how many times I’ve said to my wife, “I am so whipped...” & she still laughs about it. Nowhere else have I seen anything written about this crush, & it is a really helpful piece of information.
The only other material that I’ve given her to read has been two pieces from Akasha’s website: “Enjoying Female Dominance: A Guide,” and “Good Girls Guide to Female Domination.” I chose them because, while Lady Misato’s site does have some very appealing stuff in it, it is a bit selfish in outlook. My wife would not buy the whole female supremacy attitude at all. I thought long & hard about printing out “Real Women Don’t Do Housework,” but finally decided against it when I found Akasha’s stuff. My wife has made comments that lead me to believe she’ll consider femdom so long as she doesn’t have to do it all the time; Akasha’s approach is scene-based, so this seems to be a fit. Also, I don’t have any kinks – at least not any strong ones – I just want to please my wife, & this fits well with Akasha’s way of introducing women to femdom, which is for a woman to dismiss all of the man’s fantasies & desires & concentrate on pleasing herself.
One of the things Akasha strongly recommends is that the man abandon his own agenda for what D/s looks like & leave his woman alone while she comes to terms with the idea of femdom. That is to say, no pouting, whining or hinting about it. This makes for good, clean submission. I’ve tried to do that, but my wife has been putting very little effort into it. This has been very frustrating: now that I’ve come clean about being submissive, I’m eager to explore what that means, to *be* submissive, but I can only do so much on my own. Sure, I can get up at 5:30 to put on the coffee & fetch her newspaper, make the bed, keep the kitchen clean without infringing on the kids’ chores, leave little notes in the car & do other thoughtful stuff, but I do that all on my own. To feel controlled, somebody’s got to do the controlling, & so far that’s what’s been missing.
I don’t know why she isn’t investing more time/thought/energy into her dominance. (Maybe because it’s my thing & not hers?) Still, we both agree that it makes for really good sex. The times she’s been thoughtful enough to say things like, “you belong to me,” “your cock is mine,” or “I’m going to use you to pleasure myself,” I’ve shuddered with an involuntary moan: something inside me just melts. Still, I sometimes prompt her to get her to say the things I want to hear, like “are you using me?,” “do I belong to you?,” “whose cock is this?,” and things like that. Obviously, I’m topping from the bottom, but she’s very good at taking a hint.
Right now she’s out of town with the kids, & I’m having a hard time keeping my hands off her property. Once she gets back, I’m going to ask for a scene & maybe offer to help her put one together if she’s not sure what she’s doing. I really am ready to know what it’s like to be dominated & controlled.
I guess part of the urgency on my part is because I’ve said the words so many times: “please let me serve you,” “please let me pleasure you,” “how can I make you feel good,” “what do *you* want,” & the really big one, “I’ll do anything for you.” I want to know that this hasn’t been just a bunch of words. No, I *need* to know that it isn’t just words. Am I *really* willing to do anything for her? Anything? Am I really submissive or not? What if her idea of domination & my idea of submission are light-years apart? She’s pretty vanilla, but what if she got into spanking or something else painful? Would I be willing to take it? And how much could I take? Pain to the point of discomfort, to the point of tears, to the point of howling? Part of me really wants to find out how much I can take, while part of me is really scared, because it’ll mean being pushed to my limits & probably beyond them.
Still, I want to trust her & serve her & be submissive to her even when it doesn’t appeal to me or she asks something I don’t want to do. If I’m not willing to be submissive in those cases, am I really being submissive at all?
I’d like to think that all of this makes some kind of sense to somebody besides me.
I need to offer another reflection on all of this. Something fundamental, elemental, archetypal happened to me since I “opened my heart” to my wife & began talking about my desire for more attention from her & my feelings of submission. It felt so good being open to her like that, so vulnerable, so trusting. The sex was fantastic, & as I said above, it has been a lot more frequent. But something else has happened, too.
One night, about 5 weeks ago, it was a Thursday, we were having sex & somehow it all went cosmic. It was one of the most mind-expanding experiences I’ve ever had, as if the world suddenly went from black & white into color. Suddenly we weren’t just TJ & his wife, but Adam & Eve, Vishnu & Parvati, Antony & Cleopatra, Tristan & Isolde, Romeo & Juliet. I understood why Jacob worked 7 years for Rachel & it seemed like but a day, why Odysseus went through ten years of odyssey to get to Penelope, why Dante endured the nine circles of hell to get to Beatrice. I know why men built cathedrals to the Virgin during the middle ages. I understood the Song of Solomon, the Eucharist, the Marriage Feast of the Lamb. Even T. S. Eliot began to make sense. I was so amazed at what had happened to me, I started talking & must have babbled for a good half-hour. (I think I scared her a bit; she’s not had the same kind of education I’ve had & certainly didn’t share my cosmic experience.)
Since then, I have had the most remarkable sense of freedom, of wholeness. I suppose it could be described as a rush of “lover energy.” This feeling has endured undiminished for five weeks. I have driven the car with tears streaming down my face because of a love song on the radio. There have been two opportunities to dance, & at both of them I danced ... a lot, & I haven’t really danced in years. I’ve taken to reading poetry again (you really ought to try Rumi & Kabir, as well as T. S. Eliot). I listen to music all the time now, & for a long time I didn’t, because it was distracting. I have been giving more attention to my appearance: to my body (I work out really hard, &, at last!, it’s finally beginning to show), to my clothes (I’ve lost 16 lbs & bought some jeans & shirts that actually fit, rather flatteringly, I might add); I’ve even asked for cologne for Father’s Day, & I haven’t worn a scent in at least 10 years. During sex, my release has been so thorough & satisfying that I often giggle or laugh uncontrollably afterwards.
I look at myself & am amazed at the transformation. Who’d’ve thunk it? I even went & talked to a couple of psychologists I know, just to be sure that I haven’t gone crazy ... in a *bad* sense, because I feel like I’ve gone crazy somehow.
I’ve babbled enough. I’ll write more later, maybe about our first scene, if I can get one.
TJ
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